BEAST

I find myself more and more looking into the mirrors hanging all over the house. What's more is that I find myself looking at my dark reflection in the car windows, and shop windows, and computer screens, and so on and so forth. The amount of time that I spend in front of some reflective surface is ridiculous. I have become so absorbed with making sure that I look good.

I have also gone out and bought several new clothing items as well as makeup, and to top it all off I had my hair cut. This sudden change in appearance has startled my mother. It has gotten her saying things like 'I am worried about you.' 'Are you reading your Bible everyday?' 'How is your heart?' I generally smile, say 'I'm fine.' and walk away. Because that is the truth. I am not becoming evil. I have been wanting to get theses things, clothing, hair and makeup, for a long while, and I just lacked the funding. Now that, because of Christmas and birthday, I have been gifted with money, I have spent it on what I have wanted. If the sudden transformation that I went through were more gradual, I would not be hearing the worried voice of my mother.

I had thought that I was doing this just because I liked what it looked like, but when she said all that matter was how my heart was, I felt a puzzling feeling mount up inside of me. I knew that I was not doing this for people, that I was not doing this to be the center of attention, to be noticed. I was doing this because I wanted to. Yet when she spoke those words I suddenly became very unsure about my motives. I sat and thought and I confirmed that my motives were fine. I sat and thought some more. What else could be making me feel this way? My mind went straight to my Bible readings which have been lacking recently, but that does not mean that I am becoming and evil child with a passionate desire to be seen. It was just that my heart was not as healthy as it had once been. It was not as close to Christ as it had been only a few months back. This change in appearance had been formulating in my head when my heart was healthy. The sudden change and worried mother was just God's way of getting the much needed 'How is your heart?' question asked.

'Well it is a good thing winter retreat is coming up.' I thought. But then realized almost as soon as I thought it, that I could no live life from one spiritual high to the next. I had to find a way of getting myself to connect with God like I do at camps and retreats, on a daily basis. Reading my Bible was a major part of what kept my heart close to God. Some days I would read what was supposed to be read in 4 or 5 days. When I was bored I would walk to my Bible and read what my Father had to say. But now, when the thought of reading my Bible comes to mind, I groan and gripe and think 'That's boring.' Again another realization occurred. That is exactly what Satan wants me to think when it comes to the Bible. I was reminded of a piece of flair from Facebook "Be the kind of women that the moment your feet hit the floor the Devil says, 'Aw crap! She's up!'" That is exactly who I want to be. I want to be on fire, to be deathly dangerous. I want Satan to shake in his shoes when he sees that I have woken from my sleep because of how close I am to God, how connected I am to Him, how much I am doing for His kingdom. And I know that Satan doesn't freak out when I wake up. He looks at me and then begins to file his nails and thinks, 'Another numb Christian, not to helpful for Christ are ya?' I want to be the most dangerous person out there. I want God to grin when I wake up and think 'Let's get started.' I want him to be so evident in my life that I fade away and the only one people see when they look at me is God.

My focus has been so much on me that I am no longer dangerous. I need to shift my mirror upwards to Christ and listen to what he has to say through reading my Bible. Once I do that, I can look in the mirror and instead of just fixing my hair, I can say, 'Oh yeah! Your a Beast for Christ!.' And tie my bandana around my head, get up and with every step blind people with the light of Jesus.