I have a dream.

It is a dream to read every book I own.

How many books do I own you may ask?

And considering my one follower is my sister who is currently in East Asia, you probably wont ask.

well I will tell you, you meaning cyber world, and eventually my sister, that I don't know how many books I own. But be content in knowing that I own a great deal and a great deal of them I have never read, or purchased for that matter, but borrowed from school and have simply forgotten to return... oops.

But I will read them all if not by the end of this summer, by the end of this year....and if not by the end of this year, by the end of next. That seems like a sufficient amount of time to read three shelves full of novels.

I also plan on taking an ACC class and doing Latin and English summer projects at the same time. I also plan on having a life.

So how shall I accomplish all of this you may ask? Or not ask because no one is reading this.

To tell the truth, I have no idea. It will be an adventure.

And with most adventures there are set backs and mistakes and wrong turns, but never in any adventure do the adventurers make it to the destination early. So do not expect me to strive away to complete this task. If life gets in the way, I will gladly let it sit in the way until I find enough motivation to get off of tumblr and read.

So, without further ado, I will get of the computer and grab a snack, and then probably watch some tv, and then if I feel up to it, I will read, and then keep my follower-less blog updated on my progress.

Until next time, my nonexistent faithful readers.

Journal entry 4-7-09

It’s on Devil. You best start running cuz I’m not gonna sit back and watch you destroy my soul. I’m ready to fight, and God is on my team. Be afraid, be very afraid, because you just woke up a new warrior. And I’m coming for you and your attacks on me. TAKE IT! UH!

"Sorry, Father!"

What redeeming words found in the story of a old man, too old to have children but desperately wanting a son, who is gifted with just that. His son, because he knows he is not really the man’s child, feels like he must prove to him that he is brave, truthful, and unselfish. He wants to do what is right and listen to his conscious, but he falters and falls away. He cuts school, hangs out with a very bad crowd, and picks up the habit of lying, all because his so-called-friends told him how much pleasure it would give him. He doesn’t go home when he is supposed to and travels to a place where he is promised pleasure. This boy learns later on that his father is in great danger. He is reminded of how he used to be, what he used to want and the direction of his life and his love for his father. He goes out and risks his life to save his father, who never stopped loving him, even when he had completely turned away from what was right and true. He repents crying “Sorry, Father!”. He returns home, returns to his goals and no longer feels the need to prove himself as a son, but knows just how deep his father’s love runs for him.

Have you heard this story before? I know you have.

It is the story of Pinocchio: A lesson in honesty….and so much more.

The value of the kiss

It makes me angry how in the show I am watching this boy's biggest secret is that he has never kissed a girl before and is completely embarrassed by this fact. He would be 15 or 16 years old. His two closest friends (who are both girls) are shocked that he has never been kissed and one of them feels the need to say "Well...I think it's cute you have never been kissed" in a i-don't-really-mean-it kind of way, and he replies "No, no, it's not cute it is embarrassing . No one can find out." The other girl tries to get him back for playing a prank on him by telling everyone that he has never been kissed. He is completely mortified. The first girl proceeds to say to the second girl "You just ruined his entire life!" The next day when he gets to school EVERYONE is laughing and making fun of him because of it. Even his mother makes fun of him.

Since when did it become unacceptable to not have kissed someone? Why is it such a HUGE deal that he never kissed someone? It is so stupid. They have devalued the kiss and turned not having kissed someone into a sin. It is sick. It makes me angry. I hate society. I hate television setting stupid standards for everyone.

Oh and now they are going to kiss just to get it over with so that they don't have to deal with being made fun of! That is just gross. Why would anyone do that!?

It's sad. That's what it is.

I wanna go back to the day when kisses were special. When they meant something. When they still had value.

Well, I'm not gonna give up on that. I plan on keeping my first kiss at full value. No market value. No holiday sales. No employee discounts. No mark down for damaged goods. It will not be damaged, it will not be sold, it will not be handed out for the highest bidder.

It will be special and good. Call me stubborn, call me old fashioned. That is my plan and I will stick to it.

BEAST

I find myself more and more looking into the mirrors hanging all over the house. What's more is that I find myself looking at my dark reflection in the car windows, and shop windows, and computer screens, and so on and so forth. The amount of time that I spend in front of some reflective surface is ridiculous. I have become so absorbed with making sure that I look good.

I have also gone out and bought several new clothing items as well as makeup, and to top it all off I had my hair cut. This sudden change in appearance has startled my mother. It has gotten her saying things like 'I am worried about you.' 'Are you reading your Bible everyday?' 'How is your heart?' I generally smile, say 'I'm fine.' and walk away. Because that is the truth. I am not becoming evil. I have been wanting to get theses things, clothing, hair and makeup, for a long while, and I just lacked the funding. Now that, because of Christmas and birthday, I have been gifted with money, I have spent it on what I have wanted. If the sudden transformation that I went through were more gradual, I would not be hearing the worried voice of my mother.

I had thought that I was doing this just because I liked what it looked like, but when she said all that matter was how my heart was, I felt a puzzling feeling mount up inside of me. I knew that I was not doing this for people, that I was not doing this to be the center of attention, to be noticed. I was doing this because I wanted to. Yet when she spoke those words I suddenly became very unsure about my motives. I sat and thought and I confirmed that my motives were fine. I sat and thought some more. What else could be making me feel this way? My mind went straight to my Bible readings which have been lacking recently, but that does not mean that I am becoming and evil child with a passionate desire to be seen. It was just that my heart was not as healthy as it had once been. It was not as close to Christ as it had been only a few months back. This change in appearance had been formulating in my head when my heart was healthy. The sudden change and worried mother was just God's way of getting the much needed 'How is your heart?' question asked.

'Well it is a good thing winter retreat is coming up.' I thought. But then realized almost as soon as I thought it, that I could no live life from one spiritual high to the next. I had to find a way of getting myself to connect with God like I do at camps and retreats, on a daily basis. Reading my Bible was a major part of what kept my heart close to God. Some days I would read what was supposed to be read in 4 or 5 days. When I was bored I would walk to my Bible and read what my Father had to say. But now, when the thought of reading my Bible comes to mind, I groan and gripe and think 'That's boring.' Again another realization occurred. That is exactly what Satan wants me to think when it comes to the Bible. I was reminded of a piece of flair from Facebook "Be the kind of women that the moment your feet hit the floor the Devil says, 'Aw crap! She's up!'" That is exactly who I want to be. I want to be on fire, to be deathly dangerous. I want Satan to shake in his shoes when he sees that I have woken from my sleep because of how close I am to God, how connected I am to Him, how much I am doing for His kingdom. And I know that Satan doesn't freak out when I wake up. He looks at me and then begins to file his nails and thinks, 'Another numb Christian, not to helpful for Christ are ya?' I want to be the most dangerous person out there. I want God to grin when I wake up and think 'Let's get started.' I want him to be so evident in my life that I fade away and the only one people see when they look at me is God.

My focus has been so much on me that I am no longer dangerous. I need to shift my mirror upwards to Christ and listen to what he has to say through reading my Bible. Once I do that, I can look in the mirror and instead of just fixing my hair, I can say, 'Oh yeah! Your a Beast for Christ!.' And tie my bandana around my head, get up and with every step blind people with the light of Jesus.

Writing is...

Slowly breathing, listening to the music that constantly flows from the overheated laptop, my pen starts to dance across the blank piece of paper as idea after idea begin fighting their way out of my mind and into text. This transformation, however, does not come easily. Some ideas, like vicious monsters, attack my head as they want nothing more but to be seen, to be read. Too many of these come and scar my brain, leaving horror/romance/adventure novels full of insane twists that ruin the story. But over time I have taught myself how to tame these wild beasts into domestic kittens, only to be awakened as the readers eyes flow swiftly across the lines of text, pulling them deeper into the novel so that their whole being is absorbed, until they can do nothing until they find out what happens to the protagonist in the end. In the final epic sentence where all their hopes and fears are finally accomplished. Leaving them with every cell of their body being satisfied. As if they had just eaten a grand feast prepared for The Highest King, ruler over all the land. And are now being placed in the master bedroom to rest their tired bodies. When they awake, they remember the night before, when they were the main character, feeling everything the main character felt. And they breathe deeply, letting their minds swim in the wonderment that comes only after reading a great novel. Being the great master mind behind these ingenious plots is what I love to do.

Novel in progress

Currently I am working on a novel that is yet to be named. I have written the first chapter but it is only 15 pages hand written...so it is not that much...at all. So I am rewriting it; adding more detail so that hopefully it will be longer. I'm really excited about getting this book going. I can't wait to get to some scenes that in my head are AMAZING! Let's hope that it will be the same on paper. Sadly, one of the problems is that it is a pretty stereotypical story with a few twists and original ideas. Ya know, one person destined to save the world, the evil people out to get them, kindly good guys helping the protagonists on their quest, forbidden romance, the works. But hey, aren't those the best books to read? The constant struggle between good and evil seems to entice our minds and hold them captive. Everyone loves forbidden romance and heroes, right? Sigh, I have already decided that in 50ish years there will be no more original ideas, only combinations of old ideas with rare twists that have already been used... Heck, that time is already here. Woe is me! I am a wannabe creator! Meh, not really, seriously the novel I am writing is really awesome and I can't wait to write it all down!!! Hooray for paper and pencils!